''...then fear will find you again...''

Shadows fading away

Vivo en este estado de arrepentimiento. De lamentos.
Ojalá te hubiera dicho todo lo que iba a dar por tenerte a mi lado.
Ojalá no nos hubiéramos equivocado tanto.

Veo nuestras sombras, tomadas de la mano, poco a poco desaparecer.

Y lloro cada instante, en cuanto nadie me ve.

I dreamed a man

I dreamed a man. The one for me.
I dreamed about him for a long, long time.
I imagined him, and I spend hundreds of lonely nights designing his shape and his soul.

I took a look of myself in the mirror and I wished he was tall and strong so we could spend hours playing with our strength.
I imagined his big strong hairy  arms around my back, holding me without the intention of letting me ever go.

I walked the streets of this city of the dead, collecting characteristics for the so called "Only One". 
Kind, tall, white, hairy, strong.
Faithful.

I created hundreds of stories where we spend the evenings playing video games, the nights at parties with our friends.
His. Mine. Ours.

I pictured the moment when we would met.
Nothing even close to the disgusting and ordinary ways the guys meet these days.
A discrete and curious look. A rainy day at the park.  An accident waiting to happen.
Something casual and simple, yet beautiful and unpredictable.

I imagined so many details about him and the way he would be. And how much he would change my life and everything on it.

But then I found myself alone. Disappointed.
And I had no one to hold but myself.
And nothing to hold to but my ambitions and the new future I had to plan starting from scratch because the one I had was gone.
I needed to fix myself.

...

Maybe I never got better. Maybe I left myself to death and became someone new, someone different.
Someone...or something. Colder.

And I based my feelings in facts and I stopped giving without taking first as I learned that we're all disposable and people will take what they want from you and then will leave you stranded, forgotten, abandoned. Left behind. Maybe I've always been wrong. Maybe I chose the wrong friends. Maybe I gave up on trust too fast. Maybe I lost my way. And I lost myself. I dreamed a man and he came into my life. And I didn't realized he was the one I pictured in my head. I made so many mistakes... He wasn't perfect. But he was the one I asked for. The one I imagined. ... I realized it was him the night he left. I hold his ankle while we were talking and realized it was too big for my hand. It was bigger than mine. And as I raised my view of him, every detail started to match. He was holding my hand and his was bigger than mine. He was next to me and he was taller. His beautiful clean and hairy white skin was sparkling because of the rain drops. He hugged me with his big strong arms. He kissed me and the world washed away. His breath was clear and fresh. He looked at me with his gorgeous dark eyes and said goodbye. It was him. The one I asked for. And I lost my mind.

Good bye David. I love you.

Day one

Buenas noches oscuridad. Nos volvemos a encontrar.

Ha sido un largo tiempo. Que tienes para mí ésta vez?

Has venido a cobijarme? A esconder mi amargura de vistas ajenas?

O vienes ahora a susurrar su nombre y a llevarte las promesas?

Ha sido larga nuestra tregua. O no?

Te he evitado a toda costa. Pensé haberte perdido entre las sombras del medio día.

Pensé que estábamos a mano.

Creí que tenías de mí lo que querías.

Corrí lo más lejos que pude y pensé que ya nunca me alcanzarías.

Tuve mucho miedo de encontrarte, pero no temo ahora.

Son tus alas las que me rodean dándome un refugio y escondiéndome de la vida.

Vienes con el silencio de las noches en el bosque

Entras por mis sentidos y cosechas el fruto de la semilla que esa tarde de octubre sembraste

Te arrimas una silla y cierras las cortinas

No tienes intenciones de marcharte

Lo cierto es que me has atacado desde adentro, como el más sabio enemigo.

En realidad nunca te fuiste. O si?

Sólo estabas esperando el momento indicado para acercarte y mostrarme
Que no vienes por mi. Que vienes a acompañarme.

Se van esos miedos del día a día, tan útiles para esforzarse por lo que uno quiere
Da igual la hora, el clima y la ausencia de todos

Aún viene a mi mente la imagen satánica que me asecha en la oscuridad de la cocina
El fantasma que vive detrás de la cortina
Aún siento la pesadez de las sombras en el estudio
Y el vacío del cielo nocturno me susurra cosas que prefiero no escuchar

Pero el miedo ya no está.
Le he temido tanto a nuestro reencuentro. Te he evadido tantas veces.
A la soledad. Al dolor. A la verdad. Al final.
Vivimos evitando lo que tememos.
Pero ayer ocurrió lo inevitable.
Y seguirá ocurriendo, de ahora en adelante.

Ahora estamos. Uno dentro del otro, en esta enfermiza simbiosis.
Yo durmiendo con la esperanza de despertar en otro tiempo y lugar
Con el rostro de alguien mas. Con un alma nueva.
Y tu, vertiendo las historias de horror estelar que mi especie ha decidido olvidar.