''...then fear will find you again...''

Shadows fading away

Vivo en este estado de arrepentimiento. De lamentos.
Ojalá te hubiera dicho todo lo que iba a dar por tenerte a mi lado.
Ojalá no nos hubiéramos equivocado tanto.

Veo nuestras sombras, tomadas de la mano, poco a poco desaparecer.

Y lloro cada instante, en cuanto nadie me ve.

I dreamed a man

I dreamed a man. The one for me.
I dreamed about him for a long, long time.
I imagined him, and I spend hundreds of lonely nights designing his shape and his soul.

I took a look of myself in the mirror and I wished he was tall and strong so we could spend hours playing with our strength.
I imagined his big strong hairy  arms around my back, holding me without the intention of letting me ever go.

I walked the streets of this city of the dead, collecting characteristics for the so called "Only One". 
Kind, tall, white, hairy, strong.
Faithful.

I created hundreds of stories where we spend the evenings playing video games, the nights at parties with our friends.
His. Mine. Ours.

I pictured the moment when we would met.
Nothing even close to the disgusting and ordinary ways the guys meet these days.
A discrete and curious look. A rainy day at the park.  An accident waiting to happen.
Something casual and simple, yet beautiful and unpredictable.

I imagined so many details about him and the way he would be. And how much he would change my life and everything on it.

But then I found myself alone. Disappointed.
And I had no one to hold but myself.
And nothing to hold to but my ambitions and the new future I had to plan starting from scratch because the one I had was gone.
I needed to fix myself.

...

Maybe I never got better. Maybe I left myself to death and became someone new, someone different.
Someone...or something. Colder.

And I based my feelings in facts and I stopped giving without taking first as I learned that we're all disposable and people will take what they want from you and then will leave you stranded, forgotten, abandoned. Left behind. Maybe I've always been wrong. Maybe I chose the wrong friends. Maybe I gave up on trust too fast. Maybe I lost my way. And I lost myself. I dreamed a man and he came into my life. And I didn't realized he was the one I pictured in my head. I made so many mistakes... He wasn't perfect. But he was the one I asked for. The one I imagined. ... I realized it was him the night he left. I hold his ankle while we were talking and realized it was too big for my hand. It was bigger than mine. And as I raised my view of him, every detail started to match. He was holding my hand and his was bigger than mine. He was next to me and he was taller. His beautiful clean and hairy white skin was sparkling because of the rain drops. He hugged me with his big strong arms. He kissed me and the world washed away. His breath was clear and fresh. He looked at me with his gorgeous dark eyes and said goodbye. It was him. The one I asked for. And I lost my mind.

Good bye David. I love you.

Day one

Buenas noches oscuridad. Nos volvemos a encontrar.

Ha sido un largo tiempo. Que tienes para mí ésta vez?

Has venido a cobijarme? A esconder mi amargura de vistas ajenas?

O vienes ahora a susurrar su nombre y a llevarte las promesas?

Ha sido larga nuestra tregua. O no?

Te he evitado a toda costa. Pensé haberte perdido entre las sombras del medio día.

Pensé que estábamos a mano.

Creí que tenías de mí lo que querías.

Corrí lo más lejos que pude y pensé que ya nunca me alcanzarías.

Tuve mucho miedo de encontrarte, pero no temo ahora.

Son tus alas las que me rodean dándome un refugio y escondiéndome de la vida.

Vienes con el silencio de las noches en el bosque

Entras por mis sentidos y cosechas el fruto de la semilla que esa tarde de octubre sembraste

Te arrimas una silla y cierras las cortinas

No tienes intenciones de marcharte

Lo cierto es que me has atacado desde adentro, como el más sabio enemigo.

En realidad nunca te fuiste. O si?

Sólo estabas esperando el momento indicado para acercarte y mostrarme
Que no vienes por mi. Que vienes a acompañarme.

Se van esos miedos del día a día, tan útiles para esforzarse por lo que uno quiere
Da igual la hora, el clima y la ausencia de todos

Aún viene a mi mente la imagen satánica que me asecha en la oscuridad de la cocina
El fantasma que vive detrás de la cortina
Aún siento la pesadez de las sombras en el estudio
Y el vacío del cielo nocturno me susurra cosas que prefiero no escuchar

Pero el miedo ya no está.
Le he temido tanto a nuestro reencuentro. Te he evadido tantas veces.
A la soledad. Al dolor. A la verdad. Al final.
Vivimos evitando lo que tememos.
Pero ayer ocurrió lo inevitable.
Y seguirá ocurriendo, de ahora en adelante.

Ahora estamos. Uno dentro del otro, en esta enfermiza simbiosis.
Yo durmiendo con la esperanza de despertar en otro tiempo y lugar
Con el rostro de alguien mas. Con un alma nueva.
Y tu, vertiendo las historias de horror estelar que mi especie ha decidido olvidar.

I promise

Hace un momento estaba pensando en llamarte como me pediste. Pero recordé la forma en la que, siempre que te llamo, parece ser un mal momento.

Pensaba en eso, y en sugerirte que pasaras a visitarme por la noche. Tu y yo solos.

Pero entonces las letras que le escribiste a él saltaron frente a mis ojos, danzando en burla.

Por la mañana pensaba en escribirte una canción en la que las palabras "tuyo" e "incondicional" figuraban un par de veces. Pero entonces, la ironía en tus frases salto de entre mis recuerdos, y la forma en la que aceptaste tus sentimientos por él relució como la luz cuando se ve por primera vez.

Justo ahora, antes de empezar estas lineas que intentan aferrarme a una linea de pensamiento, planeaba mi acercamiento, mi cambio de ideales, la modificación de mis creencias y mis escasos valores.

Pero entonces, la canción que escucho compulsivamente para alejar los pensamientos de ti, reveló su lírica cual epifanía; No es que no me quieras. Es que nuestro concepto de querer es diferente.

Y así entonces, comprendí que de alguna forma tienes la capacidad para querer a varias personas a tu manera, y yo solamente soy capaz de querer a una a la vez.

Comprendí que en tu vida las cosas son distintas a como son en la mía. Recordé nuestro daltonismo.

Vemos las mismas cosas, pero en tonos distintos, en distintos significantes.

Te amo y te respeto. Y defendería tus ideas frente a cualquiera que quiera destrozarlas.

Las defiendo incluso aun sin entenderlas, o sin estar seguro que son correctas.

Supongo que para mi un beso no es solo un beso, y la fidelidad no es solo una palabra.

Sigo pensando en llamarte, y he decidido hacerlo.

Para ti es solo una llamada, para mi es una promesa mas cumplida.

Y las consecuencias de hacerlo o no parecen igual llevar al mismo camino.

I don't love the way you lie...

I can't tell you what it really is.
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now, there's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight.
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight.
High off him love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint.
And I love it, the more I suffer, I suffocate.
And right before I'm about to drown, he resuscitates me,
He fuckin' hates me, and I love it.
"Wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you!"
"No you ain't! Come back!"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again!
It's so insane, cause when it's goin' good, it's goin' great.
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, he's Lois Lane.
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed.
I snap, "Who's that dude? I don't even know his name."
I laid hands on him, I'll never stoop so low again.
I guess I don't know my own strength.

You ever love somebody so much, you can barely breathe.
When you with 'em you meet, and neither one of you even know what hit 'em.
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills used to get 'em.
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em.
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothin' to hurt 'em.
Now you're in each other's face, spewin' venom in your words when you spit 'em.
You push pull each other's hair, scratch claw,
Hit 'em, throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're in 'em.
It's the rage that's the culprit, controls you both.
So they say it's best to go your separate ways.
Guess that they don't know ya, 'cause today, that was yesterday.
Yesterday is over, it's a different day.
Sound like broken records playin' over,
But you promised her, next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance.
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again.
Now you get to watch her leave out the window.
Guess that's why they call it window pane.

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean.
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine.
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me.
When it comes to love you're just as blinded.
Baby please come back! It wasn't you, baby, it was me!
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems.
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.
All I know is I love you too much, to walk away though.
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk!
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball!
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall!
Next time? There won't be no next time!
I apologize, even though I know it's you who lie!
I'm tired of the games! I just want him back! I know he's liar!
If I ever try to fuckin' leave again,
I'ma tie me to the bed and set this house on fire!

In a moment, everything can change...

"Sigue con tus planes y con tu vida"-me dijo.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arrive...

Blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night."